It's a New Day

Today was a better day than yesterday.....but then MOST days would be better days than yesterday! Seriously, though, we're doing a little better.
I began the day pretty sure that I never wanted to do this again and ready to be content with my little man. Joe wasn't sure whether he wanted to or not. We had a great talk last night...and I had a great cry last night (really needed to do that). Then we slept off some of the grief. That's what this is - grief- and it's not easy. Joe and I went through this before our first adoption...but for some reason, this one was much harder. Maybe it's because we are parents now and we REALLY know what we just lost. Maybe it's because we want this child as much for Aiden as we do for ourselves...I'm not sure. Maybe it's because this child seem to fit so perfectly in our family....right down to having a peanut allergy (just like our son)......EVERYTHING seemed to fit. I think that is why it is so hard to process. But God has carried me through this day....and has started to help me allow His peace to rest there. I can't say I am excited about trying to adopt again....but I am not completely ready to run the other way. I have SO felt all of your prayers today....I don't believe I would be to this place if I did not know of how many people lifted us up to Heaven yesterday and today. God has truly showed us how much He cares and that His compassion is real and that He will never leave us....even on our saddest days. Last night as I cried so much I could barely breathe....and tried to call out to God...even though I couldn't really form the words.....I could truly feel God put His arms around me and remind me of some of the words in the song, "Blessings." The words..."He loves us way too much to give us lesser things." I don't know exactly what God was saying.....other than just what He said.....that he has something better for us.(Not that Kevin wasn't an incredible gift....because he would have been and is). But maybe that God is protecting us from something we aren't aware of.....maybe just that He has another child that needs a mommy and daddy....and was created to be a part of our family. Not sure. I just know what I "heard" in my heart....and I know His heart is always good. He knows how much it hurt....He has hurt so much more. He gave his only Son - His perfect Son - for all of us...and He didn't change His mind. He watched His Son die on a cross for us...for me....He heard His Son cry out to Him asking why he had turned away from Him as He was dying.....and He felt pain....way more pain than I will ever know.
So I know I can trust Him to know my pain, to hold my pain, and to heal my pain...and to complete it with something that is way more than "lesser things".

Again, THANK YOU, for your prayers and for sharing Scripture with me and for showing us that you care about what we are going through. God has used all of you to help begin to heal our hearts...and to remind us that we can find the strength to do this again......Aiden was worth every bit of pain and stress that we met on his adoption road....and somewhere out there another child is too.