Some Days are Better Than Others

God never promised that all of our days would be easy. Today was one of those days that was far from easy.
We started the day happy and planning all of our last minute travel plans since we were planning to leave just 3 days from today to pick up our new little boy and complete our family. Things can change so quickly.
I had decided to take Aiden to White Water today (one of his favorite things to do) one last time before we became a family of 4. I wanted today to be special for him since I knew he would be getting a little less of my attention for the next few days and weeks.
We had just pulled out of the neighborhood when I received a call from our agency. I was expecting to hear her give me some more details about Kevin's size and directions to the McDonalds that we would be meeting him at on Sat. Instead, I heard her say, "I'm afraid I have some bad news." Walls went up as I immediately knew what she was gonna say....and I didn't want to hear it. I knew what was coming - been through it before and know that "tone" all too well. She went on to say that Kevin's father had e-mailed last night to say that as they were spending their last weekend together with Kevin....they were having 2nd thoughts. I kind of blocked the rest of it out as I was just processing what I had just heard. I heard something like the agency will talk to him later today and then we will call you back to confirm.. I knew, though, that no one had to confirm - it was over. Then my thoughts went to the fact that had to call my husband @ work....and tell him and I knew that wouldn't be easy. As I spoke with him, I felt a lot of different emotions. Sadness, shock, a little anger @ the birth parents....and then guilt that I was angry at them. He's their son after all - they love him dearly - and I know that Kevin will be spared a lot of pain by not having to ever face that grief - but anger that we were brought into it and that I felt like I "protected" my heart until last week....and now I was caught completely off guard. Anger that I couldn't even cry because I had a 3 year old in the back seat that didn't need to see his mommy upset.
This day has been a hard one - I am exhausted. I have moved on from anger (mostly) to pain....and now just exhaustion. We did just receive confirmation that they are keeping him for sure.
Joe and I have a lot of decisions to make. Part of me wants so much for Aiden to have a sibling and part of me is just worn out from adoption and ready to "get off this roller coaster." Not sure if that will change or if that is just a passing thing....but mostly we just need to hear from God and what way He would have us go.

I had a hard time sitting down to blog about all of this....but I want to be
"raw" with everyone because I know that is how God will receive the glory for this. Just keep us in your prayers...that is appreciated more that you will ever know.